


No more tears

by Vinushuka



Series: Life inside and outside Dir en grey [1]
Category: Dir en grey, Sukekiyo (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 03:36:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6783571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinushuka/pseuds/Vinushuka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyo's world crumbles when Toshiya wants to end their relationship. The shock almost crushes him but duties with his new band Sukekiyo cannot wait. Kyo has to pull himself together and let Toshiya have his way. There is life outside Dir en grey too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No more tears

      Kyo started awake when Toshiya moved carefully his hand resting on Toshiya’s chest. Toshiya sat up on the side of the bed and gazed down at his large hands looking thoughtful. Kyo admired lazily his fair skin and the way his muscles moved in his wide shoulders when he combed his long black hair with his fingers.

“Please don’t leave. Stay the night with me”, Kyo pleaded although he knew Toshiya probably wouldn’t do that. Lately he had often left after they had made love.

“I can’t do this anymore”, Toshiya said quietly and turned to watch Kyo. 

Kyo was suddenly wide awake his heart pounding of alarm. “What do you mean?” he asked and reached out his hand to caress Toshiya’s arm.

“I can’t be with you anymore. You’re just too much for me. I’m both physically and mentally exhausted”, Toshiya replied looking sad but very determined. “I need a break from you, time to think…”

“I see”, was all that Kyo managed to say. The pain that hit him was so intense that it almost paralyzed him. Kyo had had these forebodings that something bad was going to happen, but he had never thought that Toshiya would leave him. Kyo had given him his everything. He had neglected his other friends and even some of his dear hobbies to spend time with his lover. And now it was too much.

“Our love life is perfect but otherwise there’s nothing I can give to you. I’m slow and a hopeless idiot compared to you. You deserve something better”, Toshiya finished his outburst and stood up to put his clothes back on.

      Kyo got his wits back when Toshiya was pulling his T-shirt over his head. He climbed out of the bed, stepped in front of Toshiya and grabbed his arms with his hands. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. We are different and that’s a good thing. I’m sorry but I didn’t realize that I was suffocating you with my love.  Anyways that is something that can be easily corrected.”

Toshiya stood there tall and beautiful, dark angel curls framing his sad face. “As I said, I need a break. Maybe I will come back some day, but for now it’s goodbye”, he said and turned to leave.

Kyo grabbed his hand to stop him. “Please, kiss me goodbye”, he begged and Toshiya did that. Their kiss was long and gentle and full of longing already before they were separated.

Kyo followed Toshiya to the hall to see him off. “See you soon”, he whispered trying to sound hopeful although his heart was breaking. Toshiya didn’t say anything more, turned and walked out of the door and out of Kyo’s life.

      It’s hard to say how long Kyo stood there staring at the door. Maybe he was hoping that Toshiya would change his mind and come back. The thoughts swirling in his head didn’t make much sense. They were just random images of their happy moments: Toshiya sucking his kock, Toshiya giggling when his toy car ran over Kyo’s toes, Toshiya breathing on the side of his neck in the middle of the show. But now there would be no more happy memories, just the dreary loneliness of his apartment. Slowly but surely tears started to brim over his eyes and flowed down to his cheeks. After he had started to cry there was nothing that could stop it.  When he didn’t have the strength to stand anymore he fell down on his knees, folded his arms around his body and rocked back and forth chanting some poem of his. Finally he curled on the floor and hoped he would die. He didn’t want to face all tomorrows without Toshiya.

      The sun was already high up when he woke up from his coma. He slouched to the bathroom and stared with disgust the being he saw in the mirror. His face was so swollen it was hard to discern his eyes and his hair was a mess. The hall carpet had left weird imprints on his cheek. He washed his face with cold water to clear his head and then took a hot shower to wake up properly and stop the shivering of his muscles. What day was it? Was there something he needed to do today?

      He dragged his feet to the living room to check his cell phone calendar. Oh shit! He was supposed to be in a meeting with Sukekiyo team right now. Just when he realized that he was late, the phone rang.

“Yuchi here, good morning. Weren’t we supposed to have a meeting at nine o’clock at the studio?” Kyo heard Yuchi’s energetic voice in his ear.

“I’m very sorry, but I wasn’t well last night and forgot our meeting. Can you guys start without me? I will be there in about an hour”, Kyo apologized.

“Sorry to hear that. Are you well enough to come here? We can always postpone the meeting till tomorrow”, Yuchi proposed sounding worried.

“No, I’m quite okay now. It’s better to do things as we planned”, Kyo reassured. The energy was returning into his body and he needed something else to think about than his miserable love life. Work had always been his passion and having his own band was the fulfilment of his dreams. He wouldn’t give up on it at any cost.

      Doing things outside Dir en grey had been a long thinking process for Kyo. When he was around thirty he didn’t feel like an adult yet. There was an endless future ahead of him and he just floated along with the everyday band life. But things had started to change when he was approaching forty. Was this it? Is this all I’ve achieved? The future wasn’t endless anymore. He needed to do something remarkable before it all ended. The problems with his ear and voice made him search new ways to express himself. Singing wasn’t and couldn’t be the only option for him.

      The love affair with Toshiya had been a part of this thinking process. He needed to fall in love even though it was a risk. Love made him vulnerable and it could bring both great happiness and great suffering. Now it seemed that he had ended up with the suffering. As always he had put all his might into this relationship and suddenly it was too much.

      After Kyo closed the phone he took a deep breath and straightened his posture. It was time to move ahead. If Toshiya needed his break, Kyo wasn’t going to prevent him. Kyo loved his black angel more than anything and was ready to endure separation from him for as long as it was necessary. It was time to concentrate on Sukekiyo.

      The process of forming Sukekiyo had started from the discussions with Takumi who was at the time working for Dir en grey as a programmer. The guy was talented beyond imagination and had been performing in a band himself playing guitar and piano. He had composed music that intrigued Kyo. At the beginning of 2013 another skilled guitarist, Uta had become available when his former band 9Goats Black Out disbanded. At the same time Kyo found Yuchi, a talented young bassist and Mika, who had played drums at the same band with Takumi. Kyo had now his team assembled but before being a band they needed music to play. This meeting was part of their team effort to write music for their first public performances.

      Kyo grabbed quickly some breakfast and went to the bathroom to check up his face. The swelling was disappearing fast as well as the markings on his cheek. He could always tell the guys that he was suffering from hay fever, which he actually did. “That will have to do for the time being”, he thought after he had shaved and spread some lotion on his face. Besides he could cover his swollen eyes with sunglasses. He gave his reflection a careful smile. Yes, he could smile and behave like a human being. Off we go!


End file.
